Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes - стр. 5
«Yes, Nora is speaking,» answered the girl.
«Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.»
«Yes, I will,» was the reply, «but who is speaking?»
– If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?
– He will beat me.
«What’s the matter with you, darling?» Lily asked her husband. «Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden[44] you don’t like beans.»
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink.[45] He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.[46] While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
«Wait, wait,» the fellow said to the men. «Can you tell me what’s going on here?»
«Well, we work for the county government,» one of the men said.
«But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?»
«You don’t understand, mister,» one of the men said, while he was leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.»
«Yes,» added Mike. «Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?»
– I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I? – A liar!
– Lord, I have a problem! – What’s the problem, Eve? – Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy. – Why is that, Eve? – Lord, I am lonely. – Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. – What’s a ‘man,’ Lord? – This man will be a flawed creature,[47] with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he’ll basically give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you.
– I can put up with that,[48] – says Eve. – Well, but there is one condition. – What’s that, Lord? – You’ll have to let him believe[49] that I made him first.
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, «Oh! So you want to race,[50] right?»
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race