Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes - стр. 2
Boy: Our principal[13] is so stupid. Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I am the principal’s daughter. Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Good. (Walks away).
It takes[14] 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Save trees! Say no to exams!
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet. «Hey, what are you doing in there?» «I’m riding a bus.» «That’s a stupid answer!» «That’s a stupid question!»
– David, your ideas are like diamonds. – You mean they are so valuable? – No, I mean they are so rare.
One woman says to her friend: – I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong. – Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.
«Medicine won’t help you at all,» the doctor told his patient. «What you need is a complete change of living. Get away[15] to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day[16]». A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. «Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!»
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.[17]
The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.
A young girl once asked Mark Twain[18] if he liked books for Christmas gifts. «Well, that depends,[19]» answered the great humorist, «if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop.[20] If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table.[21] A large book, like an atlas on geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass.[22]»
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
A bewhiskered[23] American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap,[24] caught the farmer’s beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:
– Take your paws away from my beard! – What’s the matter, mister? – said the aggressive little man. – Are you getting off?[25]
A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come