Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes - стр. 8

he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note: it can be his father’s will![66] He read it. It said: «You fool – get off[67] my oxygen pipe!!!»

An airline captain was in love with a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over[68] in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up.[69] What happened to her? She answered the phone, she was crying and said she couldn’t get out of[70] her room. «You can’t get out of your room?» the captain asked, «Why not?» The stewardess replied, «There are only three doors here,» she sobbed, «one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!»

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, «I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up[71] everything is in alphabetical order». The second surgeon said, «I like to operate on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order». The third surgeon said, «I like to operate on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.[72] The fourth surgeon said, «I like to operate on lawyers». The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.[73] One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, «Because they are heartless, gutless, and spineless!»

One day a Pope[74] and a lawyer died and went to Heaven. God came and said, «Follow me and I will give you your rooms.» So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. «Thank you, thank you my lord,» said The Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. «Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other little one to The Pope?» «Well, popes we get regular as clockwork,[75] but you’re our first lawyer.»

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, «…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’» The teacher paused, then asked the class, «And what do you think that man said?» One little boy raised his hand and said, «I know, he said: Wow! A talking pig!»