Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes - стр. 6

on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, «All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. If you do that, everything will be fine.» The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on[52] and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, embarrassed, whispers ‘Ale ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, «It’s no good, I must do it,» and yells, «ALLLEEE OOOP!» really loudly. Sure enough, the horse jumps over the hurdle with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, «Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?»

The trainer replies, «Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!»

A man was wandering around a fairground[53] and he saw fortuneteller’s tent.[54] He had nothing to do, so he went in and sat down. «Ah…» said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. «I see you are the father of two children.» «Silly fortuneteller,» scoffed the man, «I’m the father of THREE children!» The woman grinned and said, «That’s what YOU think!»

A man says that he saw a ghost. So his friend asks him what the ghost said to him. «How can I understand,» replied the man, «what he said? I don’t know any dead languages.»

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

A photographer for a national magazine was invited to take pictures[55] of a great forest fire. «A small plane will wait for you to fly you over the fire,» said the editor. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough,[56] a small airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, «Let’s go!» The tense man was sitting in the pilot’s seat. So the plane rose up and soon they were in the air. But they were flying erratically. «Fly over the north side of the fire,» said the photographer, «And make several low-level passes.[57]» «Why?» asked the nervous pilot. «Because I want to take pictures!» yelled the photographer. «I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!» The pilot replied, «You mean you’re not the flight instructor?»