Самые лучшие английские анекдоты - стр. 9
“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!”
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain —”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up.[37]
The son calls his sister, who goes nuts[38] upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”
One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.
“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”
“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”
“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: