Самые лучшие английские анекдоты - стр. 11
“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.[49] Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden[50] expression on his face.
“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”
“So, what’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters[51] will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.
“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”
“Finding half a maggot!”
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets– we’re one short.[52]”
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at a park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”
“What did you do?” the little girl asked.
“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”
“How did you get away?”
“As a last resort,[53] I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.